We Write What We Like

by Aya Homsi (translated by Mary Rizzo) graphics by Shepard Fairey, quote by Frederick Douglass

* Reassure yourself that your country is not country X (X is the country that had undergone revolution right before yours). Throw the blame on Al Jazeera, then close its offices in your country.

* Say that you “support the young protesters” (as long as your security forces are ready to beat those same youth to death).

* Denounce the Islamists. Start at the lowest levels (the Muslim Brotherhood) prior to climbing straight towards the biggest nightmare of all, Al Qaeda.

* (At the start) Act as if nothing is happening. Then you will become aware of the severity of the situation once it is too late, addressing the nation at around midnight. * Warn people about the menace of Communism, Sectarianism, Tribalism and the other “isms” that frighten them to death.

* Make an explosion in a Church and then accuse the Islamists. Say that your permanence in power is synonym of stability and protection of the minorities. * Make some changes in government then… make some more.

* Burn the police stations and then accuse the protesters.

* Insist upon the fact that everything is going just fine.

* Once the situation has degenerated totally, cut off all the telephone lines and block access to the social networks. When things get REALLY bad, just block Internet.

* Make statements that the protesters represent merely an infinitesimal percentage of the population. The majority supports you. Cite the results of the last “elections”.

* Say that “change is necessary” and promise a lot of fun things if the youth accept to stay at home.

* Order the Ministry of the Interior to kill protesters, but then fire them for “excessive use of force”.

* Say that the youth have been pushed to protest under the influence of X (X can be KFC, Nescafè or other hallucinogens).

* Organise huge assemblies in favour of your regime. But instead of providing banners and flags to those present, offer them 50 dollars each and some AK47s (Kalashnikovs).

* Accept to be interviewed by a very famous journalist. (Christiane) Amanpour will do it. * Prohibit funerals.

* If people in the West criticise you, denounce their interference in your affairs and affirm that “they understand nothing of the culture of this country”. “In our culture, I am the leader and the people obey.”

* Evoke the spectre of the economic situation. Youth are about to destroy the country. But especially mention the state of the economy of your nation before (prior to the start of the revolts).

* If the evidence of billions in your accounts, declare that you are only saving so that you can make a big gift to the people.

* Book a suite in Jeddah (where Ben Ali took refuge), in case of…